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Sunday, July 24, 2011

A Hard Journey

Hello Again,

So there are good things and bad things to say since my last post. One, I have now lost 10.7 pounds as of last Thursday and that feels great. However, many things have happened in the last couple of weeks that have really brought my confidence gained from losing weight down. I was at work recently and an old woman was passing me. As she passed, she patted me on the stomach and said "Congratulations", obviously thinking I was pregnant. I also went to go to a wedding recently and had been looking for a dress to go in for a while. I had to end up ordering a dress because I had a hard time finding a dress in a store that would fit me. There were dresses in plus size but they were horrendous and made me look like an old maid. This was a bit of a hit to the ego. 

The worst was when we went to Busch Gardens yesterday on our way back from the wedding to have a nice day out. I went with my best friend and a friend of his from back home. The day basically consisted of me paying to humiliate myself. We started off with going to the griffin. It's one of my favorite roller coasters. As I am trying to get on, I find myself having to squeeze myself into the seat. The guy comes along to buckle down the arm harness and can't. I realize that I am now, at this point, too big to ride roller coasters. It was one of the most humiliating moments of my life. I quickly told my friend that I was going to get off and not ride. I ended up crying while waiting for them. I have always loved riding roller coasters and never thought that my weight would get to the point to not be able to ride them. On top of it, people aren't stupid and know what they saw; A girl that is too fat to ride the roller coaster. So, from that point on, I had to wait outside of the roller coasters. I told my best friend how embarrassed I was and he told me there was nothing to be embarrassed about. My other best friend also told me that its okay and that I am doing something about it. They don't believe that it makes me who I am. It's okay to be upset about what happened yesterday but I shouldn't let it affect me. 

The only way it is affecting me right now is that it just gives me more motivation to try harder. This was definitely hard to deal with. The only other times that I have been that publicly humiliated about my weight was when I was called elephant constantly by this kid in middle school. I am trying to get through this by remembering that I am doing something about it. I also need to remember that I am very lucky to have friends and family who love me no matter what I look like. In one year, I will be able to go back to that theme park and get on the rides.  I will enjoy myself even more than usual because of the journey I will have been through and how hard I worked to take all of that weight off. I will remember this feeling I am having right now and smile because I won't have to feel that way anymore. I will be proud of myself finally. I will look in a mirror and know that, unlike people who have never had any kind of weight issues, I worked hard to like what I see. I will have a more humbled confidence because I will have controlled what is reflected. I can't wait to have that feeling.

So, until next time, my friends.

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