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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Update

Hello All,

I am down another three pounds!! I just wanted to post about my weight loss. I wasn't losing any weight for a couple weeks but now i am down more! PLUS, that audition seemed to go well on Sunday :-D Keep your fingers crossed!! There is a LOT of opportunity for my type to get cast, so lets hope I will be getting contacted here soon!

Until next time, my friends.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Passion/ Quitting

Hello All,

So I have been thinking lately about passion. About my passion specifically.Theatre. Singing. The stage. You know whats funny? I cannot think of one specific reason why I want to do it. But I CAN think of thousands of reasons why I shouldn't. I'm sure my parents would be much happier if I went into my second career choice of nursing. I can think of a thousand reasons as to why I should do that. I would be financially stable. The medical field is fascinating to me. I love to help people. I have a maternal nature, so I would be great with patients. But the big question is... would it make be truly happy? I am thinking the answer to that is probably no. Sure, I would be happy... but there would always be something missing from my life. Always. At least if I never really went for theatre. If I fail and need to go into nursing then that's another story. But if I never really go for it? I would always be wondering, what if? I could quit if I wanted to. It would be simple. Go through the steps and get into Nursing school. A lot of programs even pay for your school.

Theatre is one of the hardest careers to get into. It's not just about talent. It's about selling yourself and being willing to completely let go. To let somebody else in completely so that they can feel what your feeling. That feeling of being on stage is unbeatable. The smell of the saw dust and the sweat and the stage makeup is amazing. I can't wait to be on stage again. I can feel it. It's close hopefully. It's a high like none other. I have no idea why anybody would do drugs if they have a passion. Passion is what drives us. It's what makes us who we are. If you don't have passion then you're living life without a heart. You're a walking flat-line. 


I have an audition on Sunday. I am really excited. I am singing a song that is very different from anything I have ever done before. It's a big number and I'm nervous. BUT, for the shows I am trying out for, I have to come in with the big guns. I need them to notice me big time because the shows require big voices AND they don't know me at this particular theatre. So cross your fingers for me! At 8 pm on Sunday, I will be there and hopefully impressing some directors!

Until next time my friends.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Dancing/Stumbling through life

Hello All, 


So the last few weeks have not been ideal. Once again, I have been very busy and my computer is also officially out of order until further notice, all making posting on my blog harder. HOWEVER, I will not be absent this long from now on. I really do love this blog and I appreciate all of you guys very much! So, for those reasons, I will be posting much more often. 


The last few weeks have consisted of my car officially dying, my computer crashing, fixing my computer all by myself (just for it to get a crazy virus and not work now), personal emotional issues and somehow managing to inconvenience/anger people that I love. I even had poison ivy in there as well! I have been having a hard time figuring out what I want to say in the entry because I haven't had the best time lately and don't want to just unload on here. But I am not going to do that. Although my past few weeks haven't been great, I don't want to bring other people down because of that. I don't want to bring myself down either. We ALL have bad weeks. When it rains, it pours! 


As I a sitting here writing, I started thinking about all of the good things in my life. I have a little brother who is starting kindergarten today and I am very proud of him! I have four beautiful little siblings, who are all very different and wonderful in their own ways. I have family that loves me and two jobs (when some people don't have any). I have a guitar that I can play whenever I want. I already have a car that I will be buying from a friend and I am just waiting until she gets a new car. I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in. My friends are wonderful and supportive. I have even been dating this great guy lately and I am hoping that it keeps going in the right direction. 


We can spend all day looking at what we don't like about our lives or ourselves. I mean, the whole point of me having this blog was to change something about myself that I don't like! Although, living life like that isn't ideal. Who wants to look at all of the negative things. We would all have panic attacks left and right! The point is, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade!! Even if life is chucking them at your head! 


As far as my weight goes, I have only lost a couple more pounds and am officially behind. But, for the last few days, I have been getting back on track. I wasn't eating as much and got down to eating one meal a day again because I was so busy with work. I am back to the regular diet again,however, and should start seeing results soon! 


"We dance for laughter, we dance for tears, we dance for madness, we dance for fears, we dance for hopes, we dance for screams, we are the dancers, we create the dreams."


As for now, I am going to go and enjoy the sound of the rain outside. I hope everyone has a great day! 


Until next time, my friends.


PS- That audition went REALLY well. Hoping I hear something! It could be a while. It was for about twelve different theaters in the area and they are probably casting for the spring. Cross your fingers!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Adventure

Hello All.

Sorry for the VERY long absence from my blog. I have been extremely busy these past few weeks. This has been a good thing, but at the same time... I haven't had time to post anything! I have been working a lot and dating a new guy! He is really great and I continue to hope that this will go somewhere. I have been hanging out with my best friend and babysitting and doing lots of things that take up my weeks very quickly! As I said, this is a good thing... I would rather be busy than be bored and have no life or anything to do. HOWEVER, I have been randomly thinking about things I would love to do if I could.

I would love to go skydiving. I also looked into the peace corps. I would love to learn how to surf. I would love to go out of the country (never been). I would love to learn to pilot a plane. These are just some of the things that I would love to do. I want to take risks in life. I want to learn from other cultures. I want to experience life in the best way possible. I am hoping to be able to start doing stuff like this soon. Unfortunately, I have a LOT of bills to worry about now and the whole being an adult thing... not nearly as much fun as I thought it would be! On the other hand, I refuse to go through life without having adventure. I want to live. 

"Live passionately, even if it kills you, because something is going to kill you anyway."  Webb Chiles

“As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so life well used brings happy death.”  Leonardo da Vinci


As far as my weight goes... I have only lost a few more pounds and I am currently working on tweaking the diet. I am trying to get in with a gym to have access to exercise equipment. I am also looking at my eating habits and seeing what I can change there. I am also working on getting a Primary Care Physician so that I can get a checkup and see if they have any advice. Hopefully better success will be had soon!

Until next time my friends.

PS- REALLY big audition on Wednesday! Wish me luck! It's a cattle call with all the big theaters of the area and I landed the last appointment!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

A Hard Journey

Hello Again,

So there are good things and bad things to say since my last post. One, I have now lost 10.7 pounds as of last Thursday and that feels great. However, many things have happened in the last couple of weeks that have really brought my confidence gained from losing weight down. I was at work recently and an old woman was passing me. As she passed, she patted me on the stomach and said "Congratulations", obviously thinking I was pregnant. I also went to go to a wedding recently and had been looking for a dress to go in for a while. I had to end up ordering a dress because I had a hard time finding a dress in a store that would fit me. There were dresses in plus size but they were horrendous and made me look like an old maid. This was a bit of a hit to the ego. 

The worst was when we went to Busch Gardens yesterday on our way back from the wedding to have a nice day out. I went with my best friend and a friend of his from back home. The day basically consisted of me paying to humiliate myself. We started off with going to the griffin. It's one of my favorite roller coasters. As I am trying to get on, I find myself having to squeeze myself into the seat. The guy comes along to buckle down the arm harness and can't. I realize that I am now, at this point, too big to ride roller coasters. It was one of the most humiliating moments of my life. I quickly told my friend that I was going to get off and not ride. I ended up crying while waiting for them. I have always loved riding roller coasters and never thought that my weight would get to the point to not be able to ride them. On top of it, people aren't stupid and know what they saw; A girl that is too fat to ride the roller coaster. So, from that point on, I had to wait outside of the roller coasters. I told my best friend how embarrassed I was and he told me there was nothing to be embarrassed about. My other best friend also told me that its okay and that I am doing something about it. They don't believe that it makes me who I am. It's okay to be upset about what happened yesterday but I shouldn't let it affect me. 

The only way it is affecting me right now is that it just gives me more motivation to try harder. This was definitely hard to deal with. The only other times that I have been that publicly humiliated about my weight was when I was called elephant constantly by this kid in middle school. I am trying to get through this by remembering that I am doing something about it. I also need to remember that I am very lucky to have friends and family who love me no matter what I look like. In one year, I will be able to go back to that theme park and get on the rides.  I will enjoy myself even more than usual because of the journey I will have been through and how hard I worked to take all of that weight off. I will remember this feeling I am having right now and smile because I won't have to feel that way anymore. I will be proud of myself finally. I will look in a mirror and know that, unlike people who have never had any kind of weight issues, I worked hard to like what I see. I will have a more humbled confidence because I will have controlled what is reflected. I can't wait to have that feeling.

So, until next time, my friends.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Motivation

I am really excited. I have now lost 7 1/2 pounds! As I said before, I know that the weight won't keep coming off as quickly necessarily... but it feels great that its coming off at all! My body has gotten used to eating three meals a day finally and I actually have an appetite. Before, I was only eating one meal a day and generally it was late at night before I went to bed. This completely ruined my metabolism! I am working with calisthenics right now to be able to get my metabolism up and to get used to exercising a little bit more as well. I was always very in shape and able to do a lot of things until about two years ago. This was all while I was still overweight. However, not only have I gained more weight, but I have also become out of shape. Losing the weight that I already have is fantastic motivation and my body is already starting to feel really different. I am proud of myself, which is something that I don't say very often and it feels great! So, until next time my friends :-)

Friday, July 8, 2011

How DO you craft a happy life?

Everyone has that burning question... How can you just be happy? You would think it would be an easy answer but no one seems very good at the result. I came across a website that had a lot of really cool ideas for help with crafting an exceptional life. Some of them included exercising daily, keeping a journal, getting serious about gratitude, savoring the little things, spending time with nature, getting up at 5am everyday, forgiveness, patience, speak less listen more, smile at everyone you pass and my favorite, be the best person you know. The list was much longer, but I thought that these were some of the great highlights. 

As a said in my last post, I believe that we have gotten to a point where we are all too busy to really appreciate life. We are so obsessed with money and success, that we forget to really live. If we take that little bit of time to do things that reconnect us with life, than we will truly start being happier and more at peace. I, for one, am going to start doing something EVERY day to make sure that I don't let life keep me from living! Anxiety has really taken over me. I started having panic attacks last year and I have a hard time dealing with stress now. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be happy. So whether its buying myself something little or doing yoga or even something as small as just smiling at everyone I see that day, I want to be able to have that little bit of something everyday that is just for me.

Until next time, my friends.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Overcoming fears

Lately I have been thinking about taking risks and overcoming fears. I was talking to my dad this morning and he mentioned that one of my fears is putting my weight out there. However, when I really think about it... there is so much more to what he is saying. I am not saying that there are hidden meanings behind what he is saying; I just believe that is not my only issue. When I really look at myself, I am scared and terrified of responsibility, being an adult, telling people my weight for fear of not being accepted, putting myself out there emotionally because its easier to act like everything is okay and the list goes on and on. Everyone has fear. It's human nature. But we can't let that fear define us. 

I believe that some of my fears have defined me. I can't fully be myself around people if I am hiding myself from others. I have definitely gotten over some things. I used to be really shy and I didn't like to be put in social situations where I didn't know at least one person. I have come out of that box a lot more in the past year and a half or so and I think that has made me a more appealing person. I enjoy putting my opinion out there and speaking my mind. These are things that I didn't like to do before because I, once again, was afraid of being accepted. I don't want fear to take over my life. Life is scary, but if you don't take risks and do things you don't want every once in a while, then life will just pass you by. I have a lot of issues going on in my life right now and if I don't accept them as problems, then they won't be fixed. Acceptance comes first and then figuring out how to fix them. I think that my issue is that I don't know how to fix most of my problems and that's why I am scared to face them head on. I am the kind of person who needs to know the resolution to be able to face something. However, losing weight is a step in the right direction. I hope that I can eventually figure out everything else along the way. 

So here is to facing out fears! My weight when I first started this blog was 301.8. I just weighed myself two minutes ago and it is now 296.9. I am down 4.9 pounds! From now on I will be posting my weight on the blog. I hope no one judges me based on my weight! I do think that putting out there how much I weigh, however, will give me more incentive to bring the number down! As Eleanor Roosevelt said:
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do. "

Yet another wonderful quote to live by.

Until next time, my friends.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Words to live by

"Before you act, listen. Before you react, think. Before you spend, earn. Before you criticize, wait. Before you pray, forgive. Before you quit, try."- Ernest Hemingway

So, as you know, this is a blog mainly focused on my journey to lose weight. However, it is also about finding a new beginning in many other ways. I saw this quote today and I felt that it is such a great saying to live by. I believe that humans have gotten to the point now where everything is so rushed. Life passes you by so quickly because you don't normally have time to really stop and think and appreciate. I think that this quote is such a great way of reminding people to take time and do things correctly. Appreciate everything that you have the opportunity to experience. 

To talk about my weight loss for just a second, I went to the story today and got some really healthy groceries. I got chicken, veggies, spring mix, splenda, eggs, etc. I am very excited because I am all stocked up for the moment and feel good. I have been eating well this week and my body feels better already. The main thing that has been hard is eating three meals a day. I don't normally have three meals so my stomach has been having a hard time getting used to that. I had breakfast before work the other day and my stomach felt awful for the time that i was at work. I am never hungry in the morning, so it can be a daunting thing to think about eating. However, its all for the better and I am looking forward to starting to see results! Until next time, my friends! I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

The World of Dieting

Do you know how many diets there are out there? I seriously googled the words diets today and there were 73,500,000 results! Not being able to sort through all of them, I just went through the ones that I thought looked the best. However, I wasn't able to come across anything that didn't cost a lot of money or that really seemed it would work for me and my schedule. SO, I decided that I am going to go back to the Atkins diet. My dad and I did this together back in my senior year of high school and I lost over forty pounds on it. At that time, I didn't start off as big as I am now and I also didn't stick with healthy lifestyles after my first year of college. In fact, once I hit college, I was anorexic and lost weight in pretty much all the unhealthy ways until I gained it back! 

Now before you say that the Atkins diet is bad for you... there are actually ways of making it healthy. My dad and I really just watched our carb count and our portions. Actually, we more took TIPS from the Atkins diet now that I think about it! We also got a good amount of exercise every day and that was all it took. It was actually a lot easier than you think. Our diet consisted of two boiled eggs for breakfast, a spinach salad for lunch and maybe some grilled chicken and vegetables for dinner or a boca burger (no bun) and veggies. You can mix it up how you would like. We also substituted Splenda for sugar. We actually HATED this at first because we thought it tasted disgusting, but to this day I would much rather use Splenda! Just make sure you are watching your portions and drinking PLENTY of water (they also say that cold water helps speed up the metabolism). 

I have decided to try this again, but if you are thinking about dieting yourself, don't take my advice. Find what works for YOU! I am NOT an expert at ALL. I can only speak from my experience and what has worked and not worked for me. Don't starve yourself! That will only lead to over eating later because you are so hungry. Do what feels right for your body. Everyone is different. I am hoping that this works for me as well as it did last time! I will weigh myself once a week (that is what I like to do and I know that everyone is different) and hopefully will see that weight come off. I know there are stereotypes in the world and that everyone does not have to look the same, but I am not happy in this body. Depression already runs in my family and I have seen it in myself in the last year. Being able to look in the mirror and like what I see will vastly improve my life and happiness. I want people to look at me and see a healthy, glowing person who respects herself and her body. I don't want to be a size 2; I want curves and to feel like a real woman. I think a size 8 would probably be amazing! I will know when my body gets there. So, until next time, my friends! 

PS- I want to thank those of you who commented on my last post! It feels great to have people who don't even know me personally be able to support me! I hope that I am successful in this journey and I hope that it can give you support to do whatever makes you happy! I feel that all women are beautiful! Please don't let anyone make you forget that in yourselves!

Monday, June 27, 2011

A New Beginning

Alright. Here it is. I am 23 years old and in a body that does not act its age! I am extremely overweight and I have knee issues and a LOT of feet issues. I tore some ligaments four years ago and the problems just kept coming. Even though the ligaments healed, there were stress fractures that formed on top of everything else. The pain can be very unbearable sometimes and I am not sure how much longer I can really deal with it. So today is the start of my new beginning. The day that I can finally say that I am trying to make a better life for myself! I just graduated for Theatre Performance and I really love it. However, there aren't many roles out there for big white girls. I am confident in my talent, but not in my body. If I can't do theatre, then I am not sure what my place in this world is. SO, as of today... I have weighed myself and have recorded everything that I have eaten and started/recorded my exercise regime. This is a record of me losing weight, as well as my pursuit of what is my true happiness in this world. I hope you can bear with me through the many tears of joy and sadness that are about to come! I look at this blog as motivation for myself and hopefully others that are in similar positions. The picture below is one of the most recent photos of me. This is what I look like now.

 PS- I am the one all the way to the left. 

I am giving myself 365 days to lose 150 pounds. Hopefully with the motivation and support of my family and friends... this can happen! I am ready to begin this new adventure!